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by pltm
(PLTM) - Love, an experience that can fill you with a lifetime of pleasure or burden you with unforgettable pain. Many go through life looking for it, never knowing the circumstances of what lies ahead in the person or things they find it in.
Love is often characterised as a trap, one of the biggest barriers in life. Love for yourself, others and objects stops you from doing so much bad, but self-good is also restricted at times, including the very things that can save your life.
Many persons here in the British Virgin Islands are victims of abuse in various forms, most mentally trapped by loving something vainly.
Physical abuse is very prevalent in the Territory, where both men and women fear for their lives, but always find a reason to stay in these relationships; some for the love of their family, money, status, luxuries and the others who have no choice.
What some fail to understand is that the characteristics of love is self-determined and who, what and how one loves, most often stem from psychological influences from their nurture and/or nature.
With that said, it is a very frequent trait for persons to pass judgment on the victims of these heinous situations. Rather than assisting, some person within the community continue to bash their own, bringing them down even further and find reasons to justify the abuser's actions.
Love is a damning emotion; one very very difficult to control. You never see it coming, but once it’s there, you’ll have to deal with all that comes with it; the good, the bad and the evil.
Victim
She was only 15 when she met him through mutual friends. A young high school hairdresser, braiding hair to help with her education, she didn’t care who he was, at that time at least.
He was twenty and hung up on her looks. He wanted her and despite being charged and arrested for having sex with a minor before, he was determined to get her.
He started growing his hair and when at the right length, he approached her, asked her to be his hairdresser and the plan was in motion from then on.
They got close, really close, with him being the one to define the relationship, even before she was ready to commit. She had no other option but to commit as she was falling in love with him, “so why not”.
Her mother knew about the relationship, but she didn’t have much to say, as she preferred her daughter did it in front her face than behind her back.
He started coming around more often, began testing her, challenging her and pushing her to see how far she can go, how much she would take.
“Don’t wear that, don’t go here, don’t talk to that person, I need to know where you are around the clock,” were his demands. “This is how he cared for me and I allowed it, because I loved him,” she said.
The test was over. He saw that she wouldn’t leave and at this point she gave him the power to control her; she gave up her independence.
He would follow her everywhere she went and if he couldn’t do it personally, he would have one of his family members or friends do it for him.
“He loved me. He wanted to make sure that I’m safe.”
As she got older and a little wiser, she began challenging his demands, but this situation always resulted in her being accosted. So much that she stopped and told herself that his demands must be for the best, because “he loves me”.
“I always abided with whatever he said. I didn't want him to be upset. If he had a problem with anything, I would always tell myself that it wouldn’t hurt to do what he says. I loved him. When I questioned him he threatened to cut me off, stop giving me things, stop talking to me and I never wanted that; he knew I never wanted that. So then I did what he said, because it was always the simplest option. This was love to me, it was my love. If I did what was right by him, then we won’t have a problem or nothing and that was ok for me.”
She left school and he encouraged her to move in with him, so he can monitor her even more. This is when the beating started.
She couldn’t do anything right by him, as everything she did was a problem that always led to her being beaten. She never saw the need to leave though, because he always apologized and brought a gift. He loved her and she loved him.
He forced her to have a baby. She didn’t want to, but she had no choice. He raped her whenever she refused. She loved him and he wanted a family with her, so she was not going to deny him of that opportunity.
All through the pregnancy she was beaten and after the baby was born, he denied the child several times. She blamed herself. “At the time I thought he was beating me because I was doing something wrong and I needed to do better.”
Something else happened after the baby was born. She began to see life differently and realised that her life and what she was worth was far beyond the relationship, but she still stayed and tried to make the relationship work. She didn’t want her son to grow up without a father, a similar situation to her upbringing.
She loved him and stayed, and tried to do everything right to his liking, not for her, but for her family.
Unfortunately, things got worse and the beatings and the arguments grew in numbers. She packed and left when he wasn’t around, but that didn’t stop the abuse. He continued to follow her where ever she went. He abused her in public and used their son to control and further manipulate her.
“I will kill you before I let you go,” he told her.
She has been unable to start a new relationship for the last 4 years because of his meddling and interference.
Educate Yourself; Seek Help
Falling in love is inevitable, but how you handle love is your choice. The characteristics of an abuser are very loud to those who are educated of the issue.
Manipulation and the need to control are the starting phase of every abusive relationship. The need to test, to see how much persons would allow it is a way the abuser gains more and more control in the relationship.
Love is often confused with being submissive. Persons, who tend to think like this, are the ones who are easily taken advantage of.
There is no amount of love, money or luxuries in life that could equate to the life of another. To properly understand the meaning of love, one has to love themselves first.
Victims don’t often know how to stand up against their abusers, because they are too powerful; driven by power the victim gave them. So, they settle, stay and continue thinking that their situation is one filled with love; love for their family, love for a better life, or that they’ve invested so much, they don’t want to start over.
This takes a toll on their lives and the lives of persons around them.
Persons are encouraged to educate themselves about physical abuse and other forms of abuse. Don’t allow love for someone who takes advantage of the word, to use you, drain you or worst, kill you.
As advised by the Department of Gender Affairs for this year’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month, October 2016, ‘Step up, speak out and seek help’.
Persons are also encouraged to assist rather than persecute these victims.
